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User blog:ViktorBane/Weird Foods Bane style.
So guys I have been talking with a friend of mine and I have decided to do this rather random and funny blog. It will follow my progress in the game so if you don't want any spoilers don't read. I will describe my feeling at the end of the boss or enemy fight and how it 'tastes'. At some points if I killed something in a funny way I will describe it. I hope you all enjoy this weird foods Dark Souls style. This cell is my Bane. Awful joke in my opinion but the best I have here. I can barely sleep because of the rats and the smell...Oh god the smell of death is overwhelming. I just ate a rat from this place. This...Asylum. It tasted somewhat like a muddy piece of chiken. Oh the taste of normal food. I miss it so. I sit now at this bonfire that is rather randomly placed before i had to fight this Asylum demon thing. It was fat and disgusting looking. I have to say it tasted better than it looked. Like a strange mix of beef and raw egg. Though years of eating rats may have distorted my sense of taste. Or sharpened it. Killing the foe had been easy enough but for some reason this creature seems like it will be the easiest thing I will fight. I shall leave now and continue on this pilgrimage. I am here looking at this raven that dropped me off. I want to taste it but alas it is out of my reach for now. Really. I abhor this place. A taurus demon? After I did a final blow to this creature and I healed my now indented armor I start to cook a bit of flesh from th beast. That was unnecessarily difficult. It tasted aweful too. It tasted like a burning egg smells with a hint of beef. Disgusting. What creator would do such a thing with an animal? Now I am hunkered down beside a bonfire right under the arse of a dragon. I truly do wonder what just and loving gods would make such a place. It seems as though I feel I am proceeding decently I get killed and resummoned at this damn bonfire. I can truly see why some of these poor souls go either hollow or insane. I have a stronger resolve though. A purpose. I am slightly happier now. I have killed this armored boar. I have tasted no finer bacon. It makes me truly happy to be able to have such fine food. Killing the beast was a pain and I felt slightly bad at how I did it. The entire boar was covered head to toe in thick armor. Except one place....It's rear. In one small area it was expose on it's rear and there was a small hole I could run into and hide until he turned around then I would shoot an arrow at...well...You understand. I felt a little bad but not for long as this bacon...it is amazing! A big black knight with a mace in the church nearly crushed me. That was an adventure. Nearly killed me then when I finally got him and I slowly walked forward a channeler shot me in the back. I have blisters now as I wait in some blacksmiths hole. He is nice and I won't eat him. This statue thing on the other hand would make some amazing rock stew I'm sure of it. Never again. I am not going back down to that statue. What ever kind of weapon he has is rediculously op until I can upgrade my equipment. Damn....My back still hurts from that jump attack. I made it to this strange gargoyle thing and got some help from a friend named solaire. (Met him back before that damned dragon. Lunatic was just staring at the sun....Weirdo) He helped me kill the one but the poor sod was vanguished by a flame balst from a second one that suddenly appeared. I easily got rid of the second smaller one and suprisingly these constructs had a bit of meat. It tasted muddy and rocky though. Well I finally got to that damned statue. I swear to the gods or dragons or what ever will deliver me from this Hell that it was the longest battle yet. He simply had a single hit style until that damned jump attack in which he would damn near crush me. I finally crushed up enough of him to make a decent stew. Not as good as I thought. It tasted of moss. Maybe because he is guarding this strange forest. It will be nice to see true green of a forest. The shrine was nice but...Unappealing. Attack trees. Simple things that were easily over come. They tasted simply of moss and bark. (Not a bad combo for the starving) A lizard snake with two heads. Dear god I didn;t even see the thing! It snapped at me as I was searching some poor snap that wasn't as quick as I. I used a claymore I had gotten off that bridge with the fire drake and smashed it killing it. It tasted dry but not unpleasant. Much like a catfish but with a hint of....Venison? Bah, it matters not. The neck meat was tastier than the rib or leg meat. A stone knight was between me and some tower. I killed it by staying behind it as it was a slow swinging beast. He had a strange spell that slowed my but my shield took care of me for that small moment. No meat just stone and I didn't feel like a stone stew again. There was a strange butter fly. It was beeautiful and it saddened me to have to kill it. I wish I could have simply spoken or conversed some how. Maybe I could have just not ventured to it. But alas as soon as it saw me it attacked. I didn't get a meat off of it but I got a piece of it's wing. I simply put it on my tongue and it had no taste but....I hallucinated. I saw friends and family before me being slain by A strange bearded man with a fire sword. Impossible I knew because all of my family is dead and my friends hollow. As I walked back I noticed a tree...moving. At first I thought it was after effects of the moonlight moth (I like that name. I thought of it in my hallucinations). Though as I walked forward and touched it I felt a very real and living thing. I 'killed' it and then tasted it. I uhhh. I got a splinter. I thought because it was moving it would have a different texture or something. No.. No it was wood. After the tree I found a strange frog with a large out flap of skin that made him look like a food saucer. It was a weak little thing and I easily killed it. It tasted like a chiken. But it was chewy like leather or jerky. Bah. Not a fan of this creature. I am finished here in this part of the forest. As I was walking back I saw a path that is only noticable as you are coming back. It is past this strange door with a shining crest. Rumors say it is the tombed area of Astoria. As I made my way down to this gorge it was strange. I found a black knight with a halberd that nearly knocked me off the edge. After a long battle of block and stab back and forth we finally ended teh struggle with me the victor. I won't eat him because he is techniaclly human. I am not a cannibal....Maybe. I see something moving, nay swiveling in a lake down at the bottom of the gorge. Before I go towards that strange thing there are crystal guys there. I can feel the very magic they radiate. I must try one. Whoa. The crystal that I ate. It was....It scarred me. I ate one and slowly it seemed as though I could feel it growing inside me. I fell to one knee and started coughing rainbow dust. It felt as though I had crystal growing and spliting my insides. I started seeing double and puking shards of the crystal. More than I had eaten in fact. After I had finished my puking spell I stumbled to a tree and saw a massive...MASSIVE! hydra that just kept shooting water bombs at me. It was way to powerful for me so i have to go back for now. I am back at the blacksmiths place. It is nice to sit and rest without thought of having to defend myself and attack something else. I am about to go back towards the undead parish. There was a way down up by the dragon that seems to go to the lower wards of this place. As I made my way down to the lower wards I found hellhounds. They are viscious little creatures that are easily killed but they attack with lighting speed and no mercy. They tasted like beef that had a spicy feel. It was hard too. Like a dried jerky that was full of juice too. Odd. Theives. Easily over come. They were fast and all but I am a power house. So I would wait then hit them one hard time with my black knight greatsword. I found a capri demon behind some fog. It used some crazy big machetes. I tookk on and tasted the meat. It was rather good. Tasted more or less like barbeque pork ribs with just a bit of burnt taste. Exquisite. I have descended into the depths. It smells like death. So much death. It makes my stomach crawl and I can almost tasted it. It reminds me of the asylum. Cramped and disgusting. I found this butcher. I thought he could be reasoned with because we apparently both like to eat. I was wrong though. After I got so close he busted through his table and charged me with a massive butcher knife. I could barely stand the smell. Every time he swung I had to hold my breath. After I eventually was able to kill him I could not even bare the thought of putting that foul creature anywhere near my mouth and more importantly nose. As I wander through these sewers I find alot of rats. It is strange to see some that are so large. They must thrive off of the disease here. I frown at the look of them. They seem more aggressive. More diseased. I won't eat them. I found this grog thing with a beak that spits curses. I killed one and have decided to try to eat it. It might be cursed so if this is my last journal entry...This has been interesting. Dear Gods. It has been seven days since I ate the cursed meat. I don't remember but I have somehow gotten to a valley full of small blue drakes. I just woke up. The...the hallucination from the meat was. Terrifying. I may never be able to forget it. I will now describe it. My hand shakes now as I write this. It is still vivid in my memory and it still terrifies me. I ate the meat and immediately felt my legs start to tingle. I look down and see demons like nightmares clawing at me and biting my legs. I go to slice them off but as I swing my sword down my legs suddenly grow and my sword turns to a snake and bites my wrist. I drop it but it slithers up my arm and into my mouth and out my nose. I try to scream but all that come from my throat is a banshee screech and as I try to look down again I see the demons crawling up clawing and biting me. They reached up and clawed out my eyes whole and took them away. I tried to stop them somehow still able to see. As I cry after them I see a beautiful woman who has firey red hair and white robes. She cries gold and blood tears whilst calling my name. I feel the universe crushin in on my very being. The pressure was terrifying. I can't...I can't move as she reaches for me calling my name more and more. I finally am able to move as a large shadow moves behind me. I look behind myself to see a monstrosoty that can only be descibed as a mass of skulls, bones, and moss. It calls out "Nito has come to seek the absolution of the Lord Gwyn. Master of the new dark." I turn and as I reach for my sword I realize it has slithered away. I am still tall and as I turn back to the woman I see a beautiful city basked in the beauty until I realized what was coming. Death. I turn still the size of a god and I reach out to stop this Nito. As I do the flesh on my hands begin to melt. As I scream again I am below myself watching my larger self ripping at my own skin. I can't stop it as it rains my flesh and blood. I see the woman standing under my legs still crying but all blood. I run to her but am suddenly stopped by a skeleton...It had my eyes. It looked at me with my own eyes. I saw a blade between us and I run as he does. I reach it first and grab the sword and stab the skeleton in stomach. I feel a pressure in my abdomen and realize....I have a sword in my gullet and the skeleton is holding the sword not me. Nito forms from teh skeleton. "My absolution is complete." He stated then faded to dust as I was flung back to earth lying in a pile of rubble not far from the blue drakes. I can't feel my legs or body for that matter. I notice a lift close by and crawl to it. I rest on the way up and cry as I see the firelink shrine. And that is where I am sitting hear gathering no warmth from teh bonfire as the chilled feeling of Nito crawls through me. (Thank you for the kind words. I hope you like my updates. Please give any feedback good or constructive criticism) Category:Blog posts